Teaching Budgeting to Children

For my wife and I it’s that time of year where we start talking about money a lot more than we do the rest of the year. We talk taxes. We talk savings vs. debt payoff. We lament past decisions. We hope for better decisions from our future selves. And we re-visit the budget document we created eons ago.

We have often talked to our kids about the cost of things, and we’ve done our best to explain the difference between needs, wants, and long-term goals. I know there are times all they hear is “no” when we say that we can’t buy that special gizmo because we need the money for more important things like food and the mortgage. Yet we still talk to them about this for current understanding and long-term foundation building.

Our kids are 10, 8, and 5 years old, so we aren’t sitting them down at the table, showing them the budget, and then breaking down each line item of income and expense. At this stage we cover things in broader terms. I see a time we may open up the books per se to give them a deeper understanding. For now, we focus on our principles of budgeting and money:

1. Make a plan and stick with it
2. Know the difference between “I gotta have it!” and “I actually need it”
3. Money is a resource we can use to help others
4. Prepare for the unexpected

MAKE A PLAN AND STICK WITH IT

This is the basis of most of how I do things. I am a list-maker and a planner. And money is no different. We’ve used a couple different budget forms/templates over the years. We’ve used budgeting apps, we took Financial Peace University, and we’ve also built (and currently use) a Google sheet. I’m glad we’ve gone through a variety of methods to better inform our current document and more importantly how we use it. Having a “perfect” document means nothing if we can’t easily use it and don’t actively keep engaged with it.

We’ve shared this idea with the kids by simply talking about the existence of the budget. We’ve also talked about having financial meetings to touch base on our budget. At this stage that’s the extent of where they need to be, but it gives the foundation for future conversations and understanding.

This principle also comes into play when our kids are talking about wanting to buy something or wanting our family to buy a different house. We have had the chance to help each of the older kids make a plan for something they wanted to get from the store when they didn’t yet have enough money. We’ve had them follow through with the purchase on their own, and we’ve also watched them take the plan to the finish and rewarded them by buying the item for them.

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “I GOTTA HAVE IT!” AND “I ACTUALLY NEED IT”

This has been a big teaching moment on many occasions. I will point out it is much easier to explain the difference between wants and needs to our 8-year-old and 10-year-old than it is to explain to our 5-year-old. The ideas of survival and delayed gratification are often above younger children’s understanding.

We’ve approached this by explaining the pillars of our family’s day-to-day survival — food, shelter, insurance, car, and utilities. This way we can then point out we can start dealing with savings, debt, and the “fun things” once the pillars are covered.

One other way that we’ve discussed this with the kids is to point out that we will generally buy the good option not the cheap one or the best one. We need what will be effective and will hopefully last a long time. We don’t need to have the shiniest widgets to be happy. We aren’t minimalists, but consistently try to drive home the importance of experiences over things.

MONEY IS A RESOURCE WE CAN USE TO HELP OTHERS

Our kids are well aware that even though we don’t have the newest and best things we are still very fortunate. We have always made a point to have them with us whenever possible as we do service projects. And we’ve talked openly with them about how we could donate money to this or to that.

Our oldest has decided that she wants to raise money through a lemonade stand. She made a plan for which charity she will donate to and set a goal for how much money she wants to raise. She is also trying to think of other items she could sell in order to make more money for the charity. I’m counting this as a win.

PREPARE FOR THE UNEXPECTED

This is one that was very difficult to build into our budget, and therefore hasn’t been explained as much to our kids. A general savings account is nice, but it’s crucial to have money set aside for emergency situations like car repairs, failed appliances, or sudden job loss. I would guess that our oldest has heard us talk about being grateful for our emergency fund, but the other two likely haven’t caught wind of it. And none of them likely remember when we had those expenses arise without an emergency fund in place.

To an extent we’ve talked about this by talking about making a plan, but this is one that we’ll need to spend some more time on in the near future. I want to make sure they are aware that we can’t predict the circumstances we have to face, but we can prepare ourselves to handle whatever gets thrown our way. This goes for financially and emotionally.

Our overall goal as parents is to prepare our children for life now and in the future. We want to give them the tools to survive, succeed, and thrive. I know it wasn’t always successful when I attempted to explain things logically to my kid as a two-year-old. But I know that those attempts created the foundation in me for the conversations I can have with them now that they better understand. It isn’t always about building their foundation. Sometimes we need to build our own foundation first.

New Year’s and Me

Today is New Year’s Day. To me that means it’s another day with a different date. I honestly don’t understand all the hubbub and celebration for New Year’s.

On the face we are celebrating the calendar turning, and by that logic we should also be celebrating the start of each month and even the start of each day. This new digit in the year doesn’t automatically wipe clean everything we’ve done before. It doesn’t guarantee success moving forward. It doesn’t erase pain and loss.

I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions. I’m all for goals and plans, but a resolution that you won’t start until a certain date and must end or happen before a certain date that is defined by the calendar and not by you is far less likely to be successful.

I can hear the boos now. I can hear some folks calling me a cynic. That may be true, but what I’m really saying here is that we can’t live our lives defined or directed by a calendar.

As I am one that makes and lives by lists you would think that I would be all for the resolutions and the intrinsic goal setting that they create. But to me they just don’t cut it.

If we want to make year-long resolutions it would make more sense to do them at our birthdays. That is an individual time that matters to us personally, because that’s when our age changes (and at certain ages that means different privileges are afforded you). This makes the process more personal, and if it’s more personal it’s more meaningul. When it’s meaningful it is more likely to keep our attention and energy.

The one clear instance it makes sense to use the new year as a goal setting time is in business. In that case you have a clear set financial goal for the year, and every other goal that you create for the business should lead toward that year-end financial goal.

The new year does give the imaginary barrier for your brain to process the idea of starting something new or correcting a habit. It’s not a concrete thing, and that is probably why I don’t see its value. But I do love the idea of people giving themselves another chance and allowing themselves a fresh start. But we don’t need to wait for the new year for this to happen. We can make those decisions anytime of year.

When we recognize that we’ve stepped off the path or we see a better path along the way there’s no reason to wait. Make that move. Take the step toward improving whenever that step arises. Use that momentum and that initiative to help you propel further, stronger, and likely more sustainably.

Winter Holidays, Expectations, and Family

We are in the midst of a heavy couple weeks of holidays. For many of us that means gatherings with friends, family, and others. And for some that means isolation, sadness, and loneliness. These lists aren’t mutually exclusive as I know several people that experience both sides of this.

Not everyone experiences the holiday season the same way, and it’s essential to remember this ourselves while also explaining that to our children in a way appropriate to them.

Maintaining the realization of varied holiday emotional response allows us to see people in need we might otherwise bulldoze with “good tidings”. We can better set expectations for how people will react to gifts and time spent together. And we can allow ourselves to feel things other than joy and merriment.

We need to make sure that as individuals and as parents we set reasonable expectations that allow space for emotions that run the full spectrum, and allows for activities to be less-than-perfect or even unplanned.

I am a bit of a Clark Griswold (National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation) in that I build up expectations of perfect holidays with perfect family gatherings and the ideal Christmas bonus/present. But thankfully some reality and introspection have made me aware of this, and I can now hold hope for perfection while realistically expecting something better than disaster but less than amazing.

I’ve realized that I have unfairly expected a holiday to make me feel better and solve all the problems I’m facing (for a few days at least). I still fall in that trap, but I’m at least more aware that it’s happening and can try to pull myself out of that quicksand.

My kids are still holding a lot of hope for the holiday season, and they still experience a lot of joy easily simply because Christmas is coming. I have no desire to squash that, but I want to make sure my wife and I are providing a safe and accepting space for the kids to experience less shiny feelings if that happens.

This week is a stressful one for many: Take time for yourself (no it isn’t selfish), set reasonable expectations, find peace and joy whenever possible and comment on it, and let yourself be you rather than trying to be a holiday-fied version of yourself

10 years old, about 30 years apart

Today I went down the rabbit hole of old writings. I pulled out my stack of old journals in an attempt to get myself back on track with a part of my life that is so important to who I am.

I found, amongst the journals, a notebook from when I was 10 years old. It was filled with daily entries as assigned by my teacher. Most were half-page entries, so it didn’t take me long to read through the whole school year of thoughts and ramblings.

I bring this up here, because I couldn’t help but compare and contrast me at 10 and my daughters at 5, 8, and (essentially) 10. I often look at my daughters and think of how similar they are to me when I was younger.

Well, I’m wrong.

My 10-year-old daughter is well ahead of me, and way more together than I was at the time. I was writing half a page at a time, and I was stretching it to get there. I was repeating the question and asking the question back to the teacher at the end (for their input of course). In the same type of scenario my oldest daughter would write a couple pages until she ran out of time. For that matter, #2 would write a page or two also.

My life goals at the time revolved around popularity, girls, making money, and helping solve the problems of the world. My daughters on the other hand share the goal of helping solve the world’s problems, but that’s the only one that aligns. These girls are thinking of real career paths (and the fun ones that could happen too), and they aren’t worried one bit about fame or dating.

Kids are growing up faster than when I was a kid. These kids are living a different life than I was when I was their age. And that’s not always easy to remember.

This was a good eye-opening experience for me, because it helps me see that I can’t treat my kids the way I think I wanted to be treated when I was their age. I need to remain focused on who they are, and how they best receive love and guidance.

Parenting each one of them is different, and that takes extra effort. It’s important to treat them as individuals, and to let them be their own person. It’s our responsibility as parents to study our children in a way that allows them to feel safe, loved, encouraged, and prepared.

Top 5 Ways to Spend a Warm Winter Day

5.   Swear at Mother Nature for her mood swings.

4. Open the windows and get some fresh air flowing through your car/home/office.

3.    Reflect upon times you’ve done the opposite of what “should be” happening.

2. Get outside for a walk, hike, bike ride.

1. Ignore that it’s different and just do what you already would’ve been doing.

Dads, it’s time to be better

“Dads are doing less at home again fearing the career hit” read an article headline in the Detroit News today. I’m not one to comment on articles, but after reading the article I did just that.

The article gave “evidence” that I read as excuses for why dads are stepping back from the homemaking help they had picked up while in the times of shelter in place or work from home. There were statistics about dads’ fears about their job being higher than that of moms. That, to me, is not an excuse for men de-prioritizing family and home. That is more support for the fact that we are improperly equipping men to be dads and husbands.

My comment to the article stated, “… A dad’s responses to stress have often been improperly formed through family, culture, and tv/film …” We’re not in the 1950’s era of the overwhelming expectation that men are the “breadwinner” and women should be the homemaker in pearls, heels, and an apron.

That old expectation was depicted with the men coming home from their 9 to 5, kissing their wife on the head like a pet, then retiring to a room to be by themself until dinner is prepared and laid out for them to enjoy. In this expectation the wife should have done all the housework while her husband was away, so that things are perfect when he comes home. This is NOT the way things should be.

Being in a couple means to be in a partnership. The goal is 50-50. That might not happen all the time, and the majority share may shift from side-to-side. That’s how relationships–especially marriage–works long-term. We need to be in this together.

My wife and I have definitely shifted the majority share over the years with there being times that I was working less, so I did more of the housework and vice versa. Right now, for example, my wife is working an energy-intensive part-time job while taking a full-time college course load to finish her Associate’s Degree. My work is in the slower part of the year. We each know what needs to be done to keep the house from crumbling to the ground or becoming a pig sty, and when the time is there we get done what we can.

We took the time to talk about this after a couple years of struggle early in our marriage, so that we knew each other’s expectations, strengths, and needs. This kind of conversation is crucial to a successful marriage. My wife and I have been married for 16 years and we by no means have it all figured out, but we have laid the framework in a way that allows us the best chance to work together towards success.

Being a dad means making the conscious choice to be involved in the lives of your children–even when it’s not easy, especially when it’s not easy. Our kids need our presence. Sometimes that may mean they see you when you’re stressed; that’s OK, and honestly, I’d say it’s better than OK. Our kids need to know that we aren’t perfect, so that they feel normal when they aren’t perfect and when they face stress.

The choices aren’t always easy and can’t always happen immediately. That doesn’t mean we decide not to do them. That means we need to put a plan in place and work to that end goal each day. Make sure your partner and your kid(s) know that you are working at that goal, so they know you are committed. Talk through the problem with them and let them engage in the solution with you.

We need to choose to be the dads/moms/guardians that step out of comfort and self-focus to be a contributing, caring, and present member of the family. We must allow our family into our lives. We must see our partner as our equal and our kids as a gift and an opportunity to change the world. When we realize this we can truly embody the behaviors of collaboration, gratitude, and leadership necessary as a parent.

My Top 5 TGIF Thoughts

5. Those shows on Friday night TGIF back in the ’90s were classics. #dididothat

4. What’s the TGIF equivalent when your job has you working weekends?

3. What’s the better way to celebrate your TGIF, stay in or go out?

2. Who has more claim to TGIF: kids in school or adults working? #educationORmoney

1. But seriously was there ever a better line-up of family-friendly shows? #familymatters #fullhouse #stepbystep #dinosaurs

Family Values (No, not the 90’s rock shows)

A strong foundation is what allows any structure to sustain hardships and outlast those that have a crumbling foundation. The same is true for families.

When talking about a building the strong foundation may be concrete with rebar or steel supports, but it’s also the soil that foundation is laid in and the type of structure that will rest atop it that figure into the true strength, stability, and longevity of that foundation.

A families’ foundation has a similar equation for success: The family’s values plus their perspective of the surrounding world and their attitude about each day determine familial stability and strength.

A few years back my wife and I were part of a small group with other couples at roughly the same stage of life. This group talked about faith, family, and marriage.

One exercise we did while in this group was that each couple created a list of family values. This list was meant to summarize who we are and who we strive to be each day. It unifies the family, and creates a filter for decisions. My wife and I made our list, created a sign we have posted in our house, and from time to time we talk about it with our kids.

This isn’t to say that we follow those values every day, because we don’t. But it is great to have a reminder staring us in the face each day of who we want to be as a family.

I wish I could say that I look at that list each morning to direct my mind for the day, but that would be a lie. Unfortunately the sign has become background noise at times. It’s probably time to move it to a different wall, so we are more readily reminded. I don’t want it to be something we did once, but something we do.

I highly recommend this exercise for you and your family. It’s a great opportunity to work together on something that can have a lasting impact.

Find a core values word list online and trim it down to what fits for your family. Businesses are recommended to have no more than 3 or 4 values, but I’ve seen lists that make sense with 6 or 7 as well. Then, find somewhere to post that list once you have it. Hold each other accountable, talk about it regularly, and keep the values in mind.

You are far more likely to be successful when you are working towards a shared goal with the same starting point.